i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Randomize
