I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Randomize
