I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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