so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
