you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
should my penis look like a turkey
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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