My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
