We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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