Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
