1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
you had me at cake vodka
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
