I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
