that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
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