who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I FOUND THE LEGS
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
