non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
