...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
