Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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