She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
