Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
