so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
