why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize