i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
