i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
