Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
bring money and cleavage
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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