Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
where are you?
Hypothermia
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
