Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
