Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
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