Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize