Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
