the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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