I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
