Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Randomize
