Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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