I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
