Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
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