Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
