My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
