You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
