Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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