I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
