she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
i will never coherently bang her
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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