my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
