apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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