we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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