Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Randomize
