why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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