You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
