our cab driver is having phone sex.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
