what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
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