It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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