my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
