you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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