I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
