Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
