I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
