I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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