I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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