On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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