I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
