i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Randomize
