i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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